I am all too familiar with codependency, though the word wasn’t in my vernacular until the past few years. Typically we talk about codependency in the context of romantic and familial relationships. However I have seen how codependent behaviors can color many aspects of a persons’ world, ranging from friendships, relationships with mentors, to the way in which we relate to our careers.
At the heart of codependency is a crippling lack of self worth that likely developed in childhood and continues to play out in adulthood. We try to fix our self-esteem through external means. The scary part is, codependency as a medicine for self-worth “works” just well enough to keep us locked in the cycle.
According to Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT of Psych Central: “Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs.“
It’s not a stretch to replace “one-side relationship” with “career,” “social media,” “boss,” “conductor,” or “coach.” Indeed these kinds of toxic relationships have been the basis of many films (Whiplash and Black Swan come to mind).
Codependency veiled as passion
I once overheard an opera singer say, “If I couldn’t sing, I’d die. Singing is my entire life.” At the time I listened to this in admiration; what singular dedication and passion! Now, I don’t believe this mentality is actually healthy. No single person, activity, hobby, or career should ever assume the entire responsibility of fueling a persons’ sense of worth, identity, and/or purpose for living.
In my experience, codependents often see their unhealthy relationships as passionate and responsible for their sense of purpose. It makes sense: when you feel needed, you feel loved, thus external sources start to power your sense of worth and lovability. The obvious problem with operating in this way is that external sources of validation will always be in flux.
This isn’t just pervasive in the arts and sports however. I have watched codependent family members and friends develop toxic relationships with their careers in corporate jobs as well. Indeed how many of us have faced narcissists, critics, and bullies in a variety of environments only to find ourselves desperate to please them? Perhaps like many codependents, you may have justified this by proudly calling yourself a “people pleaser.”
When we begin to conflate our passion and purpose with our core identity, turbulence is always lurking right around the corner as rejections, disappointments, dismissals, and missed opportunities are inevitabilities of life. These types of blows are enough however to catalyze dark depressions, anxiety attacks, and a purveying sense of emptiness in codependent individuals.
In my experience, all of this can lead to eventual burnout, individual crisis, turmoil, and general discontentment.
Time out! So what should you do if you find yourself relating a little too much with the above?
1.Get a therapist
My inner world has radically transformed since beginning therapy three years ago! I think that everyone could benefit from having a qualified professional walk them through their own issues, traumas, and challenges. Indeed I love therapy so much that I have two therapists because I find different perspectives and added support useful. I currently have an online therapist available 24/7 via Talkspace and an in-person LMFT as well. Having a therapist above all, forces you to shine a light at yourself and figure out how to take care of you.
2. Take a time-out
If you feel extreme anxiety about taking a time-out from your career that’s possibly a sign that you should do so. I’m especially looking at artists, musicians, bloggers, and creatives who may be more prone to conflating their talent and creative output with their sense of worth.
Taking a time-out can be extremely productive in spite of the guilt that is often linked with taking breaks. It can help you clarify your goals and give you the space to figure out if you’re moving through your career with the right intention. Maybe taking space will help you realize that you need more balance, which brings me to:
3. Find balance
Balance looks different for everyone, but ideally a person with balance puts their oxygen mask on first. Finding balance can mean prioritizing more time for trips, friendships, family, and hobbies unrelated to your career. Ask yourself: If tomorrow my career should end, what would fuel my joy? Make more time for THAT right now. And on a personal level, I have decided to take a temporary pause from performing to work on #adulting. Sometimes we need to pause to work on non-career aspects of our lives such as learning how to budget, paying down debts, and developing habits that help us feel well!
4. Develop non-externally based self-worth
If you were raised in a home where there were boundary issues, abuse, neglect, unhealthy conflict resolution skills and/or adults who did not take responsibility for their behaviors, you may have learned to conflate your self worth with external measures. (How many of us remember adults screaming things like, “You’re making me angry!” as if we were responsible for their lack of emotional regulation? *raises hand*)
It’s important to relearn and internalize that we are innately worthy right now in this moment as we are. We are worthy of love and worthy of joy.
There are plenty of books, techniques, and therapists who can walk you down a path of self-love and care to find your own sense of uncompromising, innate worthiness; a worthiness that isn’t based on your career successes, adulation from others, or productivity.
5. Return to your purpose!
Sometimes our purpose can be hijacked by our ego. In my own case for example, I want to positively impact the lives of women, inspire people, move audiences through music, and create meaningful change in opera. And then I find myself sitting in front of my phone ruminating that a photo didn’t perform well on Instagram, obsessing that I didn’t get a callback, and beating myself up over not performing in A houses yet. WOAH, BESSIE!
Our egos can quickly sabotage the most well-meaning passions and purposes if left unchecked. Who says I need to sing at A houses to move audiences through music? Who says I need to receive thousands of likes on a photo in order to positively impact the lives of women?
If you ever find yourself in a similar place, remove ego from the equation and return back to your purpose! What would bring you the utmost joy and fulfillment?
In today’s Monday Morning Mashup e-mail I talked a bit more about time-outs, so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss out!
Elle is a multi-passionate opera singer, plus size model and blogger living in Los Angeles whose mission is to help women develop heightened peace with their bodies and food, and connecting with them over fashion, travel, relationships, mental wellness, cooking, and everything else in between.
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