five ways to cope with feeling unsuccessful | what’s the secret to success anyway?

One of the most dangerous things we collectively do is elevate other people over ourselves, assuming that they’ve achieved their current level of monetary, career, or personal success because they are inherently [fill in the blank with smarter, prettier, talented, resilient, etc]. We often dismiss the role that CHANCE, LUCK, and OPPORTUNITY play in the equation and assume that other peoples’ good fortune is somehow earned, if not at the very least deserved because of their superiority. Indeed, we reason that our own lack of similar success must be a sign of our deficiency in… something!

But first, a little story:

Over the weekend in the midst of a total overthinking anxiety spell related to my career, I started chatting with my friend. In my thirst for the answer to success, I started playing the comparisonitis game. I assumed that so-and-so was a more resilient singer and that’s why she’s scheduled at the Met this season. My favorite YouTuber with 7 million subscribers has earned her success because she’s so much more funny and talented that others. I observed a marketing guru who runs a very successful podcast and decided that it must be because she’s a genius. And sure, many of the success stories around us may be carved from sheer work ethic, genius, talent, and grit.

But also… a lot aren’t.

My friend is a former weekend poker player and he told me this story, which got me thinking:

“A few years back I was playing poker with this man on a regular basis. He was an average player, around the same level as me. Somehow, by a stroke of luck he started working alongside a poker company that eventually offered to stake him for the Vegas World Poker Championship. There he was suddenly sitting next to some of the best players in the world… and he left there that day with 12 million dollars, winning the championship.”

This story reminds me of many successful opera singers I’ve known as well, and while plenty of them forged their careers independently via work ethic and talent, many also had the support and backing from family at the beginning and/or got in front of the right set of ears at the right time!

We don’t like to admit that talent and resilience will only get you so far until they are met with opportunity and luck.

This can feel a bit dismal, but in some ways acknowledging this is also freeing because it gives us permission to let go of what we cannot control and be a be a bit more forgiving of ourselves.

Do you feel stuck in a success rut? Here’s what to do:

1. REDEFINE WHAT SUCCESS LOOKS LIKE FOR YOU

Success can look and feel differently for everyone. Don’t limit yourself to a cookie cutter definition as though it’s a one-size-fits-all formula and don’t let your ego get in the way of choosing a path that genuinely makes you content. Indeed, sometimes we may initially want something to pan out, but the truth is we just want it because… well, doesn’t everyone? Ask yourself: What fuels my passion and purpose? What makes me content? What brings out the best in me? What would I regret most if I die tomorrow? Let the answers to those questions shape your own definition of success.

2. REMEMBER THAT THE GRASS ISN’T REALLY GREENER, YOU JUST NEED NEW GLASSES

Comparisonitis is alluring but it’s important to remember that people aren’t sharing the struggles on their highlight reel. I may finally land that really amazing gig I’ve always wanted and others may look on envious, but my bio won’t read, “Elle Valera would like to thank her mom who paid for her root canal since she needed to funnel all her resources into coaching for this role, the fee from which barely covers her cost of living!” Can you imagine?

You never know what someone is going through. That singer scheduled at the Met may be in the midst of a horrendous divorce because her partner cheated on her while she was out of town for a gig. My favorite YouTuber with 7 million subscribers may have no real friends and finds little joy in making video content in spite of appearances. That marketing genius may soon be dealing with a major lawsuit from a larger company.

Of course, we shouldn’t rely on schadenfreude to temper our insecurities, but I think it’s useful to remember that “success” alone doesn’t bring joy, and often the sacrifices needed to make it happen, aren’t worth it either.

3. LET GO + CELEBRATE THE UNEXPECTED

Sometimes we don’t nail the audition, get the job, or land the client. And then the phone rings and a totally unexpected opportunity will present itself out of nowhere instead, completely changing the course of your life! However, sometimes we can be so tunnel-visioned with our limited notion of success that we completely miss those opportunities, forget that they happened when we feel insecure, and fail to count our blessings when they do show up!

4. LET GO OF RUMINATING + TAKE ACTION

If you’re anything like me, you may suffer from overanalyzing to death. You strategize, plan, learn, study, and dream until you feel exhausted… and you haven’t even done anything yet! Instead of getting caught up in a state of ruminating, I’d encourage you to start. Want to launch a podcast? Literally open your smartphone and record something right now! Want to become a plus size model? Go have your mom or friend take some shots of you. The key is to JUST DO IT.

5. SET GOALS THAT ARE WITHIN YOUR CONTROL

I wish someone told me this long ago. Goals are fabulous, but make them something that relies only on you and no one else. You want to win that national voice competition? That’s great, but unfortunately it’s not all up to you and your talent. You want to have 50K organic followers to grow a brand? Fantastic, but realistically a lot of online success is being in the right place, at the right algorithmic time.

Instead, shift to goals that you can absolutely accomplish on your own within a reasonable time frame. For example, if you want to start a blog, make a goal to write 20 articles before you launch. If you want to improve your finances, make a goal to stick to a budget for 30 days. If you’re an artist, make it a goal to set aside an hour a day towards practicing your craft.

Focus on and celebrate what you can control in a most uncontrollable world.